Don’t SHOULD On Yourself…Or Others

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Don’t you hate it when you’re in a bad place emotionally, and a well-meaning friend or family member decides to take over?  They tell you how you should be feeling, and what you should and shouldn’t be doing.  As if you don’t feel bad enough….they give you that much more to feel guilty about.  (Chances are you had thought of some of their “shoulds” yourself.)

When I was digging myself out of the hole I had been in with ex #2, I heard something somewhere that I LOVED and have taken to heart.

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I have to tell you….the first time I told my parents I wasn’t doing this, or accepting them doing it to me…they were NOT happy.  So far its going pretty well….last week Dad made a suggestion that had no word similar to “should” in it.  Before my standing up for myself, he would have said “You should do X.”  What he said instead was “You were really good at X.  This time of year you could (should?) pick up hours easily doing it.”  (Thinking back, there MAY have been a small “should” in there….he prefaced it with flattery though to disguise it.)

Anyway…that wasn’t the point of this post, though it took up most of it.  Having friends and family who are able to make us feel loved and supported so we can focus on digging ourselves out of the situation is what’s important.

Do you have trouble with “shoulding” on yourself or other people?  Can you think of how you can change…or do you need to?

Just Being There

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Being a single parent when your children are with their other parent can be rough sometimes.  Yesterday at church I was getting all the hugs I could to carry me, since I won’t probably get another one until I pick up Miss M from school Wednesday afternoon.  You know from my earlier post that you need at least 4 a day, if not more.  Why do you think that is?

Could it be that as we are a social being, that not getting those connections with people hurts us emotionally?  We know that everything is connected, and what affects one system in the body will eventually affect every other system.  (When you’re sick, I bet you feel like litter box droppings…I know I do!)  So it would stand to reason that we need to care about our emotional state as much as we do our physical body.

So when you’re not able to physically get that connection, what’s the next best thing?  There are numerous ways to “virtually” connect with people.  Phone calls are one way…calling up family or friends is a big help.

Last night I was talking to my cousin who is like a sister to me while my football team (New England Patriots) was playing.  She turned it on too, and we ended up watching the last 2 nail-biting minutes together.  Today I will connect with one woman from church on the phone for a little bit.

There are numerous Facebook groups as well, for whatever makes you happy.  Many of my Facebook friends I’ve never met, but I feel a deep connection to.  It’s nice to know whatever you’re feeling, someone somewhere will be around.

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Do I HAVE To Forgive…THEM???

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Sometimes forgiving others is easy.  If someone forgets something small and it won’t hurt anything to get or do what ever it was another time, no biggie.  It’s another matter if it’s something important needed for a deadline at work, or for a significant event.  Rarely is it a HUGE deal though.  Often there’s a work-around.

But what about those who harm you?  How hard is it to forgive them….and should you?

As the quote above says….yes, but not for them.  It doesn’t condone their behavior in any way either.

It’s another aspect of the letting go attitude of mindfulness.  When you forgive, you are no longer holding on to the anger and pain caused by their harm, and that negative energy is released.  Then, the negative won’t have that hold on you.

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The negative energy is from the Bad Wolf.  When it’s gone, then you can focus on feeding the Good Wolf.  When you feed the Good Wolf, you will be able to be more positive, and bring your best self into all you do.

As far as my 2 ex’s go; ex #1 I rarely even think about.  Forgave him his controlling actions long ago.  Ex #2 is the father of my girls, so I still have to (for now anyway) deal with him.  I have forgiven his abuse from the past, but I will not stand for anything going forward.  Our court ordered coparenting counselor posits that as we are no longer married, anything he says or does is no longer considered abuse…that my calling it so gives him power.  What are your thoughts on  the subject?

7 Attitudes of Mindfulness…Plus, Part 2

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Last time I started talking about attitudes of mindfulness.  This next one ties in with one from then; patience.

…and then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

~Anais Nin

I love the quote above; it speaks to trusting that change is ok and necessary.  Also trusting and having the patience to wait for the transformation to take place.

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The fifth attitude is that of acceptance.  When I was learning mindfulness, what my therapist told me to do was when I felt my anxiety and anger building was to stop, acknowledge and accept that that was how I was feeling.  Then I would be able to not let my feelings color my actions.

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Miss M LOVES to sing the Disney song who’s title is a variation on the next attitude; letting go.  (Sometimes I catch Miss J singing too, but most of the time she acts like she’s sooooo over it.)  When we talk about letting something go, any of the 3 of us might break into it.  This is difficult for me sometimes to do, but I”m getting better.  Same with Miss J.

I have a bit of a confession here…I. LOVE. to. sing…..and I do so whenever possible.  I’m sure you probably have that song in your head now.  I’d say I’m sorry, but…I’m sure as we continue on our journey together this will only be the first of MANY times.

 

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The seventh attitude of mindfulness is that of generosity.  Mother Teresa was unarguably one of the most generous people of our time.  In her quote above, she points out the need to do more than just giving money, but also putting real love into the giving.  That could be doing something for people, like buying presents for those less fortunate; working in a soup kitchen or shelter; being a big brother/ big sister to a troubled child; the list goes on.  Sometimes people just need to feel heard, and that someone gets it.

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When I started this post, I was thinking that this last attitude I was going to downplay.  The attitude is one on non- striving, which in today’s world didn’t seem to make sense.  On further reflection though….it IS important.  I’m not saying NOT to aspire to better things….but don’t seek them to the exclusion of all else.  Slow down and take the time to be, to experience the beauty and joy that is life.  What needs to be done will be.

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 What have your experiences been with the attitudes listed above?  I would love to hear your stories!  Like my blog?  I would be honored for you to share it!

7 Attitudes of Mindfulness…Plus, Part 1

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Learning to be mindful is a process, but one that benefits you in a myriad of ways.  It helps fight PTSD, any emotional issues, increases your ability to focus, and may even help combat memory loss.  There are numerous physical benefits as well, from pain relief, reducing heart disease, and improving sleep to aiding in weight loss.

Mindfulness originated in Buddhism originally as a meditation performed while seated.  Since then, it has been adapted to our more active lifestyle, and is now recognized as a form of cognitive therapy.  (My former psychologist was a certified trainer in it, and taught me.)

All these attitudes are not easy to change, some more so than others.  The first attitude of mindfulness is non-judging.  To me that means not only to not judge others, but also not judging yourself too harshly.  You never know what’s going on in other people’s lives to make them act the way they are.  (There are a few exceptions, but…)

The next attitude to practice is patience.  When I was growing up, people at the church my parents brought me to used to joke that they didn’t want to pray for patience, as they would then be given nothing but test after test to try to grow it.  Of course this was not what they wanted!  Counting to 10 before responding to something helps here.

The third attitude is having a beginner’s mind.  This means approaching every situation as if its the first time you have encountered it.  Even if it’s the 200th time your kids are acting out.  Don’t go into the situation thinking you know what they’re thinking or feeling….they might surprise you.

Next time I’ll get into the rest of the practices of mindfulness.  What have your experiences been with the ones listed above?  I would love to hear your stories!  Like my blog?  I would be honored for you to share it!

Full Disclosure…I’m A Recovering Addict…

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…of the BUSY drug, that is.

How often do you take the time to enjoy the little things?  All too often I find myself running from one thing to another…just hurrying along with my head down, thinking of my to do list.  When I realize it, I have to stop myself….and look around for what I can see.

One Sunday morning last fall my girls and I were driving to my church, and as we were getting off the highway there beside the off-ramp there was a HUGE flock of Canadian geese resting.  I found myself almost wishing they would take off, so I could see them in their trademark V pattern.

On that same road is a mechanic shop who took some old tires and painted them to look like 2 Minions.  Every time my girls go past the shop, Miss J HAS to see them again.  (She LOVES Minions.)

Often, when I’m driving the back roads of my town, I have seen wild turkeys, deer, or other wildlife.  I know there’s a flock of wild turkeys that wander town, but never know where I’m going to see them next.  When I was still with my girl’s dad, they came through our yard a time or two, but they more often are in wooded areas.  I’m not sure how many deer live in town, but there are several.

I find when I take the time to notice the little unexpected joys in life, my stress seems to liquify.  What do you think?  What are some unanticipated surprises you have had that have brought you joy?

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Did You Get Your 12 A Day Today?

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I don’t know about you, but in today’s society how often do people really hug?  It takes a 20 second hug for the chemical oxytocin to be released by your brain.  Oxytocin is the body’s natural antidepressant and anti anxiety hormone.

There are people at my church who wear buttons advertising “free hugs.”  Every week I make sure I get mine.  I can honestly say it makes a difference in how the rest of my day goes; I’m better able to focus, and handle stresses and setbacks better.

The opposite is true on days I don’t see anyone else.  I’m easily distracted, more scattered, and more on edge.  (Today happens to be one of those days.)

On days I have my girls I seem to have the opposite problem.  Miss M is often clingy, and I have a hard time getting things done.  I try not to discourage it too much though, as I know it may well be just a matter of time and she won’t want to hug me at all.  Most of the time Miss J is that way now, so I treasure every hug freely given by her.

What about you?  Do you have certain people that you like to give or get hugs to and from?  Do you notice a difference when you get a lot of hugs vs. when you don’t?

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Abundance Is Our Right

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Have you ever found yourself stuck in a hole with nowhere to go? Many of us have gone through this phase in life where we are perplexed about what we should do to get out of the rut we are in. If you are dealing with similar problems, then you need some inspiration and guidance. This is where Ancient Secrets of Kings comes in.

Ancient Secrets of Kings is a revolutionary video course that will surely transform your life. This transformative video course is divided into three pillars and each pillar is divided into several modules, so that it becomes easier for you to grasp the main idea of every pillar. It is designed to unveil ancient kings’ secrets that made them so successful. Read this review and learn more about this excellent video course.

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Ancient Secrets of Kings Pillar
The three pillars namely, China, Israel, and Egypt, refer to the places whose ancient kings’ have been mentioned in this video course.

Pillar 1: China
This self-improvement video course opens with the China Pillar. This pillar takes an in-depth look at ancient Chinese emperors and the Great Wall of China. The first module caught me by surprise when the title said “Creating Boundaries” but that feeling soon turned into appreciation as it managed to prove its point by using suitable examples. After watching the videos, your perception about ancient Chinese kings and the ancient Chinese civilization will change.

First, it proved that creating boundaries is beneficial for you in many ways. The Chinese emperor of the time had the Great Wall of China built to create boundaries. It not only protected the Chinese from foreign attacks and invasion but the emperor managed to unite people and led them to success. Next, this pillar highlights the importance of increasing productivity and organization for success. Better organization will optimize your life. If you want to succeed, you should follow a schedule and keep negative thoughts and ideas at bay.

Pillar 2: Egypt
Egypt, one of the oldest civilizations in the world, and its pharaohs also receive some attention in the Ancient Secrets for Kings video course. A complete pillar with many modules was dedicated to discussing secrets of the ancient pharaohs of Egypt. In my opinion, this pillar is the most important and also the most interesting pillar of the video course. What makes this pillar great is it uncovers the success secrets which helped pharaohs rule the world for centuries.

What is more intriguing is how it manages to draw a parallel between ancient Egypt and today’s world. Anyone who watches the videos will agree that these golden rules of ancient pharaohs can be used for success even in our modern times. Every point is supported with a suitable example, which adds weight to the argument. You will be amazed to know that ancient Egyptian emperors are equal if not better than us when it comes to taking advantage of every opportunity that comes our way. They also knew how to tackle risks and keep people under their control.

Pillar 3: Israel
Last, but not the least, Israel provides a guideline on how you can get the best of both love and money at the same time and turn your dreams into reality. It stresses on the importance of resolving conflicts with a positive mindset because conflicts can bring complete civilizations down to ashes. Conflicts should be resolved with the consensus of all the stakeholders involved and every stakeholder should play their part and work towards resolution of conflicts.

In the last part of the third pillar, anger was portrayed as an enemy of peace. For a peaceful and prosperous society, it is important to resolve conflicts and avoid anger at all costs. This even holds true in today’s world because all the major wars took place due to what was initially a minor conflict. Anger and hatred are the main culprits, which lead to disputes at the individual level in society.

Verdict
Largely, the money, time, and effort you put in to completing the course is well worth it. It will present a different side of ancient civilizations to you, a side you have never seen before. It will bring to light some amazing success secrets of ancient Kings which you can use today to reach your goals in life. It is time to transform your life and achieve success.

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Are Routines THAT Important?

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I’m saying nothing new when I say that you get more accomplished, feel better about yourself, and have more free time when you have and stick to a routine.  We all know that, right?

What happens though is something totally different for people like me who don’t go to an outside job.  We have to be disciplined enough to make a plan, follow it through, and not be thrown off course too much by the curve balls life throws our way.

I was going to give you an example of how my life can be thrown off course pretty easily, but my days are so different according to whether I have my girls or not.  Instead, I’ll talk about what some things are I do pretty much every day, whether I have my girls or not.  Like the quote above says….that’s whats most important.

One thing I do every day at some point is read from Napoleon Hill’s book “Think and Grow Rich.”  I was at a seminar back in May where Bob Proctor spoke and he talked about his being given that book when he was a young man, cleaning offices.  He talked about how he reads it every day to this day, and how it shaped him into the multimillionaire he is today.

Another thing I do every day (most days) is work on both of my businesses in some fashion.  Blogging could take the whole time, so I need to be disciplined there.  There also product creation (which is SUPER exciting!), and real estate investing.  With so many irons in the fire, I need to sometimes set timers for myself to only work on one thing at a time for a set amount of time.

abundance

I realized recently that the topics I was blogging about in self-care weren’t complete.  By never talking about abundance and potential ways to increase yours, I was leaving out a large part of how to be your best self.  When you’re worried about how you will pay bills, you can HARDLY be at your best!  (I speak from experience here.)  So from time to time, posts on abundance will be interspersed with everything else.

 

 

Loving What You Do

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If you’re like the majority of people, you can’t WAIT to get out of work.  Maybe  the tediousness of what you do day in and day out makes you dread heading in to work.  How can you be your best self if you’re constantly stressing about your job?  Your productivity when your there is affected as well.

There are quite a few personality profiles and tests available online, if you don’t know where your talents and passions can merge to make you a living.  If you find you don’t have the training to get into the field that it turns out you want to get into, don’t give up.  There are always options, from Federal student loans (how I was able to get my MBA), grants, bank loans, etc.  If you do a search online there may even be financing options from the school you choose.

After I finished my undergrad degree I kept trying to get into an office job, but the only thing I could find that I was any good at was working retail.  I absolutely loved meeting and helping people, but I hated being on my feet all day on the cement floors, the low pay, and the crazy hours.  I thought my girl’s father had saved me when he wanted me to be a SAHM as I had wanted when I was a little girl.

Since I loved helping people, when it became clear that the marriage between my girl’s father and I was probably not going to make it, I decided to go for an MBA in HR (human resources).  That way I wouldn’t have to go back to retail if and when it was done.

Many of my classmates were either planning on or were already running their own company.  That put the kernel of the idea in my mind.  Then I found ways of running a business that didn’t deal with having a physical property and inventory.

I’m not saying it’s easy to get started, and it doesn’t take time.  But if you’re doing something that you’re passionate about it hardly seems like work at all.  The world needs more people who are passionately alive….the money WILL come.

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