Do I HAVE To Forgive…THEM???

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Sometimes forgiving others is easy.  If someone forgets something small and it won’t hurt anything to get or do what ever it was another time, no biggie.  It’s another matter if it’s something important needed for a deadline at work, or for a significant event.  Rarely is it a HUGE deal though.  Often there’s a work-around.

But what about those who harm you?  How hard is it to forgive them….and should you?

As the quote above says….yes, but not for them.  It doesn’t condone their behavior in any way either.

It’s another aspect of the letting go attitude of mindfulness.  When you forgive, you are no longer holding on to the anger and pain caused by their harm, and that negative energy is released.  Then, the negative won’t have that hold on you.

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The negative energy is from the Bad Wolf.  When it’s gone, then you can focus on feeding the Good Wolf.  When you feed the Good Wolf, you will be able to be more positive, and bring your best self into all you do.

As far as my 2 ex’s go; ex #1 I rarely even think about.  Forgave him his controlling actions long ago.  Ex #2 is the father of my girls, so I still have to (for now anyway) deal with him.  I have forgiven his abuse from the past, but I will not stand for anything going forward.  Our court ordered coparenting counselor posits that as we are no longer married, anything he says or does is no longer considered abuse…that my calling it so gives him power.  What are your thoughts on  the subject?

Balance Is…

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I think that many people…myself included…can get so wrapped up in whatever our focus is on that we forget the really basic stuff.  What life is really all about, and what matters most.  As Cinderella said in the movie released last year, “Have courage, and be kind.”

Have the courage to stand up for yourself and not be taken advantage of, abused, or deceived.  Know that you ARE special, and important; worthy of respect.  Be kind, gentle and trusting in the basic goodness of humanity at the same time.

When you’re coming out of an abusive situation, that can seem really daunting.  Knowing where to be kind and when to put your foot down (albeit gently) is a challenge.

Never stop trying to improve yourself and your situation, yet be content with what you have.  (Keeping up with the neighbors is sooo overrated.)  That seems paradoxical, but really it’s not.

The car I used to have when I was with my girls’ dad had a remote car starter in it.  On cold winter mornings, it. was. awesome.  I’d go to the window by the driveway about 10 minutes before it was time to leave, and when we went out, the windshield was clear of ice, the car was never frozen shut, and it was nice and warm inside.  The car I’m driving now doesn’t have one though.  Do I want to get one before this winter sets in?  You bet!  Am I going to go into debt though, just so I can have the convenience?  Hardly.  I managed last winter without it too.

Who Do You Choose?

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Do you find yourself purposely shrinking what you feel or who you are, just to fit in?  Are you allowing other people’s opinions of who and what you should be make you suffer and different than who you truly are?

Trying to be liked and cared for is all well and good, until it changes you.  Thats what happened to me.  Have you ever heard the story of how to prevent a frog from jumping out of the pot its being cooked in?  You ever so gradually turn up the temperature of the water, so that it doesn’t realize its too hot until its too late.

Thats how I ended up in the worse second marriage.  He turned the control and abuse on so gradually I didn’t realize it.  I had actually gotten him a t-shirt early on in our marriage that said “control freak” and had different types of controllers on it, so maybe a part of me did recognize it in him; I just didn’t think it was as bad as it was.

After a few years, lots of heartache, and couples as well as individual counseling, I decided to go back to school online for a masters degree.  I’d been a stay at home mom for several years, and I decided I needed the interaction with other adults.  If I was going to go back in the work force, I felt I needed to further my education so I could be more attractive to prospective employers.

What going back to school did for me was give me the self confidence to know that I don’t need to change the person I am, just to be someone else’s idea of what a worthy human being is.  To paraphrase Daniel Keopke, I AM worthy, and not just because some says I am.  I am a human being, therefore I matter.  My feelings matter.  My thoughts matter.  My feelings matter.  What I have to say matters.  I don’t need anyone’s approval or permission to speak my truth.  Even if it makes people uncomfortable or angry, I can and will continue to speak my truth.  Its ok to refuse to shrink.  To choose to take up space.  To choose to acknowledge and honor my feelings.  To give myself permission to do what I need to in order to get my needs met.  To choose me.

If you’re finding yourself shrinking yourself down, I am giving you the permission you need to be your true authentic self.  You will be so much happier, and have lower stress, when you are.